Champion Auditions: Do You Have What It Takes?

The beginning of this Champions Blog marks the end of an era that we all must push past our sadness to acknowledge. Champion Stef and Champion Jill will be relocating to more liberal pastures, in San Francisco, to pursue careers in Breast Implant Juggling or something. (Or something. I don’t remember — ask them.) To stay true to our motto Champions Don’t Leave Other Champions Behind, we will be Skyping across the US of A to continue or heavy discussions on Menage a Trois and sexy Dukes.

However, this leaves only three champions in New York — Champion Smash, Champion Hannah, and me. Which means the menu, if tradition follows, will be made up entirely of Beanie Weenies, something with fried onions sprinkled on top of it, and whatever Champion Hannah brings.

Since The Champions can’t (yet) get a hold of Amy Sedaris, they will be holding auditions for a New Champion. They will be catty and cruel, strict, and unable to open their minds to anyone with a lacking ounce of Champion Blood, when searching. This Champion must be willing to die in the trenches with the rest, read issues and issues of Seventeen magazine, eat foods that resemble penises, and maintain a straight face as Champion Hannah reads excerpts of Brazen. She must add to the absurdities of Champion Meetings, while at the same time maintain the ladies’ classiness. She must read. She must attend. She must do. Or. Die.

Champion Hannah has been texting me photos of this gentleman:

who fancies sitting on a bench with one (or two) umbrellas and his prosthetic leg correctly (or incorrectly) attached to his body. So far, he is the only contender in our search for Champ #6. Here’s what he brings to the table:

  • A prosthetic leg
  • One (or two) umbrellas
  • Diversity
  • Most likely some hilarious zingers
  • Contributions to our (currently limited) menu

Think you could beat out Champion Umbrellas in an audition? Could you be the next Champion? Comment in 5 sentences or less why, and we might invite you to a meeting where your formal initiation will begin. (Warning: come prepared with interpretive dance routine to Franny and Zooey and a pan of pot brownies.)



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