Welcome to the Mo*herfucki#g Champion of the Week, Champions…

…where we spotlight someone who has shown bravery, heroism, selflessness, brilliance, athletic ability, whatever, during the week, in the same spirit of a True Champion. This week’s Shrimp Scampion Stampion of Champion goes to:

2-year-old Dianita Barrett, who narrowly escaped a Tiger attack at Miami’s Jungle Island. Allegedly, a “mischievous” monkey named Watson provoked the feline, causing him to jump over his 14 foot cage, into the unsuspectiong Miami Crowd, making him first runner up for this week’s Shrimp Scampion Stampion of Champions (because who does that?) Dianita’s mother, Diana, rounded the corner to find Dianita face to face with a 507 lb Bengal tiger named  Mehesh. Diana scooped up her daughter and walked away, and apparently the tiger was actually sort of just like, “what the fuck am I doing out of my cage? I want back in there.” What a ‘tard.

BUT! Who is the real Champion in this story? Look at the passion in little Dianita’s eyes:

Much like Madeline, to the tiger in the zoo, Dianita said, “Poo-Poo!”

This girl doesn’t take shit from anyone. She probably doesn’t even strap on her safety harness whilst riding in the grocery cart with her mom. Needless to say, she truly embodies the quintessential spirit of A Champion.

Look at the tiger, who seems like an easy target for FU Penguin. Like, please, Mehesh. Who the hell do you think you are? Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face. Do you realize all the trouble you almost caused? Do you think you can do whatever you want? You’re on the motherfucking JUNGLE ISLAND, where  you, my friend, are no longer King of the Jungle.

Oh, wait. That’s lions. You were never King of the Jungle. And now you never will be.

And now, once more, Dianita:

Eyes of an angel, that one.

Dianita, we salute you.



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